Song Boogers

Those sound bites left clinging to the inner lining of ones cranium from 30-second commercials that use rehashed 70’s songs (like Ballroom Blitz) demographically positioning for maximum profit, who else… the boomer generation, some of which have moved phucking on… . Make it stop! Somebody make it stop!

Campaign to Eradicate “Life by Default” (cont.)…

It will probably take some time,
And might be a bit of a pickle,
There must be a way to mix my wine,
With ridin’ my big ass motor-sickle.

I’d like to bend some pipe,
Ease it into the world without hype.
Braid into a three-way twine,
Celebrating the results with that wine.

Why do things come in threes,
Cuz dimensional boundaries hold the keys?
The father, son and Holy Ghost,
Supposedly the religion with the most?

I’d like to think the threes all tend,
To have to do with a start, a journey, and end.
I could be, I am, and therefore I was,
All bound around and wrapped just because.

A pipe is but a conduit—a transport if you will,
Sending stuff from A to Z seems not much of a thrill.
A tool to channel energies with forethought or the lack,
From origin to destination, all points in-between and back.

On my sickle I rip down the pike,
Which really is like a type of pipe.
With flarings and bearings and chrome glarings a blur,
Some pipes roar and bark and some idle and purr.

Wine is another pipe of sort,
It transports much with every snort.
And to drink and ride I shouldn’t outta,
With numbing effects to my medula-oblongota.

So I bend the pipe with all my might,
Then ride my sickle out into the night.
And when I’m done and I know its time,
I sit and ponder the threes with wine.

Shwing!

I think I have found the answer to the wine industry’s continual woes in failing to capture the hearts of the 70 percent or so of Americans who care less about the existence of wine. It has been right before us all this time and it is a sizable dilemma. Where is the sex? There is no sex to sell the wine. Why? Wine is not sexy and this image must change if the industry is to survive let alone grow..

Granted, there are moments that elude to sex. Subtle encounters across a dining table with two lovers ogling each other as they delicately sip something that obviously is meant to tingle that which is already being tingled, as subtle as the message is on how subtle the flavors in the wine probably are. Well, most Americans don’t get that. Where are the Galo Gals, or the Cabernet Cabaret old chum? Where are the nipples? How can you sell something without bulges and nipples?

The liquor industry has it figured out. Black Velvet billboards with slinky nubile nymphets in long clingy black evening gowns, just begging you to go have a taste are pasted everywhere… even in neighborhoods where the average person can’t afford that type of woman let alone the booze. The message is still projected and works because the under classes still need sex. Here babe, put on this wig, grab the headboard, and pass the Thunderbird.

So what’s up with wine and image? Is it too classy? Is it too puritanical? Is it too elitist? Elitists have sex, some of the kinkiest imaginable, in exotic surroundings with multiple other elitists, but it’s a private party. It’s in secret societies. Good material for a soap opera but try projecting all that exclusivity with a particular brand of wine. What for? Wine characteristics by nature are not sexy. It’s not all that sticky. It does not ooze when poured. It doesn’t spray when uncorked like champagne. The labels are usually artistic but where are the nipples? Also, wineries are a little too boutique in nature. It may be they are not wealthy enough to spend the type of capital beer and distillery corporations can on pushing sex out of the bottle.

This is going to be a tough one and it is possible marketers already know the impossibility of projecting sex into wine drinking. May I make some suggestions?

Change the labels on the bottles. Yes, art is nice but when pushing sex, one must show sex—especially to males. I suggest sexual positions in silhouette depicting the signs of the zodiac or maybe a wine babe or hunk of the month.

Change the shape of the bottles into something a little more phallic. Don’t get too tacky by replacing corks with screw on condoms but I think you all know where I’m going with this.

Instead of Christmas wine baskets with stemware and cheese, toss in a pack of condoms, some lube, and a porno.

These slight tweaks in marketing are not all that expensive and I think small wineries and wine shops can benefit from the process. They might even start a wave of buying incremental beyond anything else ever witnessed in the marketing world. What if that 70 percent of wine don’t-cares drop to 30 percent. Move over Bud and Chevas.

Note from those paid to tell you how to live:

Subject: Retirement


Okay, so your stocks are still in the toilet, your maximum earnings age is pretty much on the down slope, and it looks like flipping burgers is still a possibility to supplement Social Security. It would appear that your goal of dying somewhere warm is not feasible unless the economy, social dynamics of age discrimination, and the healthcare system change radically, like right now. Fat chance. Also, it is rumored in certain circles that AARP will soon be labeled as an insurgent socialist organization with possible terrorist connections. Sorry for the bad news.

PS… your balance of $400 is still overdue.

Sincerely,
Your Latest Financial Advisor

What's the deal with art...

A subjective and interpretive creative process, mastered technique, and an unrepentant desire for self expression do not hold a high place of priority in the collective mindset. Art is an individual thing between creator and observer. Marketing entities can manipulate the degree people perceive art, but generally speaking, public funding for the arts is something more frowned on than not. Sad… really. The greatness of most previous civilizations was measured by their collective creative energies. We gauge our advancements by the quality of Super Bowl commercials. Anyway, buy something from a local artist. You probably won't find it at Wal-Mart and it will set you back a few bucks, but at least you'll have something that might stimulate conversation, thought, and purpose, maybe even rile the primitive senses. Hell, we wouldn't want that.